I'm a P.I. Been at it a few weeks. Left the force just before they booted me out and just as well. This is an ugly town, and all kinds of shady business gets swept under the rug. Sometimes I sweep it out from under. And sometimes I just leave it there--if the money is right.
My first client was a lulu. A sachem in local politics. Name in all the headlines. A big man hereabouts. But I cut him down to size, and tout de suite. He wanted to know if I had managed to come up with any "results" from the last time we spoke. He was a lardy personage soaked in perspiration. He was wearing a white suit, with an alderman's belly and a gold watch on a chain. Used to barking orders at his underlings. I was for having none of it. "Look, Mr. District Attorney, you hired me to look into some phony business with your wife. Do you want the straight skinny, or should I paint you a portrait?"
"Give it to me with the bark off, Arnold. I can handle it."
"That's MISTER Arnold to you, Goffin, and don't you forget it. I may be in your pay, but I'm a straight shooter and I don't want no back-sass. I may not squeeze myself into a monkey suit and hob-nob with the muckety-mucks at the Madison Club, but I'm damned good at what I do."
"So spill."
"First off, the Mob is measuring you for a pair of cement overshoes. But you already knew that. You promised the Big Man, Mister S., that you'd back off on his crooked gambling wheels, but he's taken quite a hit since you began your daffy crusade to clean up the waterfront."
"Watch your tongue, Arnold. I could have your license in a heartbeat."
"Yeah, you could--but then where would you be? I already know too much. Why do you suppose we're meeting in my office?"
"Place stinks."
"You've grown too refined. Whatever happened to 'Mad Dog Goffin' the Great Reformer? Now you're more like a water spaniel to the big money boys.Trained to carry and fetch."
"I've had quite enough of your insolence, Arnold--"
"Yeah, sure--but you'll take it--and you'll like it. You impress me as a man who wants the best of everything. Well, you'd be a damned fool to pay my full fee in advance and not want to know what I've dug up on your wife"
"Oh dear Lord, what has she done?"
"The question ain't what--it's who. Look--man to man, I take no joy in telling you the what-for. But...I've never run across a dame like her. Now, I think I got you and her sized up pretty good. You were something of an ironbutt, growing up, full of that ambition and hard work crap, no time for dames--so, naturally, you fell for the first frail as gave you the glad eye."
He started to stammer an objection, but I cut him right off. "You probably knew right from the start that she was no damn good. But you took up with her allee-samee. Call it Kismet."
"What on earth are you babbling about, you roughneck? Get to the point." "
Don't let your collar lose its starch, Goffin. Remember, I'm trying to help you out. Of all the back-stabbing bums in this dirty town, I'm just about the only Gee who's on your side."
"Bought and paid for."
"Sure. And, unlike some politicians I could mention, I'll stay bought. Just so long as we understand each other. Now listen, and listen good. Even the devil doesn't deserve a wife like her."
I then proceeded to tell him the whole sad story. "You think you're smart, but your double crossing wife is smarter. All dames are bad news but this one takes the cake. She's a two-timing tramp, and of course, you're the last one to know. She finds you dull as dirt. Always has. She never had eyes for you. Only your money. Now, she likes jazz. And jazzin'. And apparently you don't. She's swept you out of her bed like a broken toy. Am I right? I know I'm right. You might say she's a lady of easy virtue. That would be the understatement of the century. She's been with every shady hep-cat and zoot-suiter in town, Ace. You practically have to take a number. Room 125 at the Belvedere Inn. Ask any bellboy. You say you met her at a church social? Hah! That was her camouflage. She'd already had every sailor in Jersey City. She only married you so she wouldn't have to lay with dirty slobs for booze money. She was and is the biggest lush in town--and it's a big town. She was only a hard-luck two-timing Dame, but...she gave you those Panther Eyes and reeled you right in. But she'll never divorce you, Chief. If she can't have you. nobody can. That barfly's hellbent on dragging you right down with her."
"Lies!" he thundered. "All lies!"
"Oh, it gets better," I said. "You pride yourself on being a good family man. But your oldest daughter is in love with a wrongo. A simpering, two-bit Gigolo. If you saw him on the street, you wouldn't even spit at him. And your middle daughter is an after-hours stripper who dances for dock- wallopers at shore front dives. She lets strange men buy her expensive gifts. And your youngest daughter? The apple of your eye? Why, little Sis is fixing to run off with a Chili Pimp. Meanwhile, your son is at Princeton, but he's failing all his courses because he's gotten hooked on the white horse. You can't rescue him--you can't even save yourself. "
"None of that is true!"
"And you? You're a weakling. Your mother never forgave that you were born a boy. She dressed you like a girl until you were eight years old. Your wife thought you were a man--but you were only a confused child. She treated you like a dog. But...you are a dog."
"Where are you coming up with all these lies! I'll have you arrested!"
"Good luck with that. You're in a bad way, Sport. Both the Mob and the Fuzz are gunning for you. You're on the gaffing hook. Anything you try to do will only make it worse. Why don't you get wise to yourself and skip town? Light out for the Territory? Because Mister...even God is tired of you".
His fat face flushed purple and black as he loomed over me. Two pistol shots rang out from behind a curtain. Two slugs from a .22. Got him in the back of the head. Leaving two neat holes. He was dead before he hit the floor. D.A. Henry Goffin, RIP. It was almost a mercy.
It was the Big Man. His watery black eyes were impassive in his fleshy face. He took off his fedora and brushed at his navy blue jacket. He spoke in a clipped monotone. "Anyone see him come here?"
"Nope."
"You better be sure." "I am." "You gave him a chance to blow town."
"I did."
"But he wouldn't listen."
"Stubborn."
"The poor fool. Thought he was gonna be Governor someday. He was so sure he could spin a pretty story to razzle the sheep. He was so sure he could outsmart the Big Man. Now, here's your retainer, "Arnold". Don't worry about the mess; my boys will come to clean it up. You opened this office under an assumed name."
"Of course."
"Good. Now get out of the city. I hear Maine is nice this time of year."
"You got it, Mr. S."
"And...stay away from that Dame. By the way--was any of that true?" "Nope. Not a word of it."
"Well...she's with the Big Man now."
"S'funny," I said.
"What."
"He was the D.A. Now he's D.O.A."
"Not funny. Not funny at all."
The Big Man was right. The Big Man...is always right.
good conversational tone. Liked this a lot.